


Finally Home, and finally Safe, and finally Free

by OTPGirl



Category: Black Friday - Team StarKid
Genre: Dr. Tudor, Erik is Robert's PEIP agent, Hannah is mentioned, He is my son and I have a whole back story for him, John and Xander adopted Lex and Hannah, M/M, McCrossLee, Private Erik Herbert, What if Wilbur was being controlled
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-05-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:55:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24194701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OTPGirl/pseuds/OTPGirl
Summary: Wilbur felt something in his mind snap. It was like a glass wall shattering.  It was like coming up for air after being underwater for too long.He took a deep breath, more of a gasp really, and looked around him. All he saw was never-ending blackness surrounding him. He looked down at himself, desperately trying to remember where he was. The last thing he can remember is going through the portal and seeing Wiggly for the first time. He remembers the intense, mind-numbing fear he felt and then green flooding his vision. After that it's just bits and pieces. He sees himself doing things that he knows he would never do. He….He had to get out of here.
Relationships: John McNamara/Wilbur Cross/Xander Lee, Wilbur Cross/John McNamara, Xander Lee/John McNamara, Xander Lee/Wilbur Cross
Comments: 8
Kudos: 33





	Finally Home, and finally Safe, and finally Free

Wilbur felt something in his mind snap. It was like a glass wall shattering. It was like coming up for air after being underwater for too long. 

He took a deep breath, more of a gasp really, and looked around him. All he saw was never-ending blackness surrounding him. He looked down at himself, desperately trying to remember where he was. The last thing he can remember is going through the portal and seeing Wiggly for the first time. He remembers the intense, mind-numbing fear he felt and then green flooding his vision. After that it's just bits and pieces. He sees himself doing things that he knows he would never do. He….

He had to get out of here.

Almost as if on cue a portal opened up next to him. Wilbur jumped slightly and looked around frantically. When he didn’t see anyone or  _ anything  _ for that matter, he took a hesitant step towards it. When nothing seemed to happen he took a deep breath and steadied his nerves, deciding to go through the portal. Anywhere would be better than here. 

When he came out the other side he stumbled and fell to his knees. His eyes darted around the room he found himself in. He felt like a giant weight was taken off of his shoulders as he registered the familiar walls PEIP. 

It took Wilbur longer than he would like to admit for him to realize that he was surrounded by agents with their guns trained on him. His eyes searched the group for one specific person. His heart seemed to stop when he found who he was looking for. 

“John” He more exhaled than spoke the name. John looked a little older, his hair was a bit longer and he looked like he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders, but it was still unarguably him. Wilbur could feel a smile stretch across his face and he feels a surge of energy as he pushes himself to his feet and begins to cross the room, but stops when the guns follow him. John holds a hand up, telling the surrounding agents to hold. 

John quickly closes the space between them. He comes to stand in front of Wilbur and looks closely at him, eyes searching for something. Wilbur could feel his heart racing as John stared into his eyes, for what feels like an eternity before he spoke. 

“Wilbur, is it really you?” John reaches out and places a hand on his shoulder and Wilbur feels the remaining tension drain out of him. In lieu of an answer Wilbur surged forward and pulled John into a kiss. He relished the feeling of being close to John after everything that happened.

It took him a moment to notice that John wasn’t kissing him back and his hands were hovering awkwardly, not resting on Wilburs back as he would expect. Wilbur pulled back and looked at John confused. John opened his mouth to say something but closed it again. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, seeming to gather his thoughts. 

“Erik.” John looked over at one of the agents with his gun trained on Wilbur and gestured for him to come over. The agent in question holstered his gun and moved towards the two men. “I want you to escort Wilbur to interrogation room three and have Doctor Tudor look him over. You don’t need to cuff him to the table.”

“John what-?” Wilbur was confused. Why was John asking for the agent to take him to an interrogation room? It made no sense to him.

“Wilbur please. There is a lot that we need to talk about. I have a lot of questions and I’m sure you do too. Please, go with Erik and I’ll be by in a few moments.” John had a very earnest tone to his voice and Wilbur couldn’t find it in him to deny John.

“Ok.” He nodded his head and gave John a quick hug, not even giving him a chance to return it before turning to the young agent. “Lead the way”. 

Erik took him through the winding halls of PEIP and opened a door for him to enter. The room was a plain room with a metal table in the center with a chair on either side of it. One of the walls was a mirror that Wilbur was willing to bet was a two-sided mirror. He walked over to the table and took a seat in one of the chairs. He rubbed a hand against his forehead and took a deep breath. This wasn’t what he was expecting. He felt like the enemy and he won’t deny that it hurt that John didn’t seem too happy to see him. The door opened and a tall African American woman in a long white coat walks in, a medical kit in her hand. 

“Hello. My name is Doctor Tudor and I am the lead physician here. You’re Wilbur Cross, correct?” Wilbur nodded his head. The doctor seemed to be waiting for him to say something, but when he didn’t she went about doing a basic check up on him. She worked in silence, occasionally stopping to ask questions which Wilbur would answer in as few words as possible. As she was finishing up John walked through the door, and Wilbur felt a bit more at ease when he saw him. 

“Well Doctor?” John asked, eyes passing right over Wilbur as he looked at the woman.

“He seems to be physically fine. Maybe a little dehydrated and a bit malnourished, but nothing severe. I think that he’ll be fine.” She repacked her medical kit and walked towards the door. She stopped next to John and put a hand on his arm. They looked at each other and seemed to have a nonverbal conversation. He nodded and she seemed to be satisfied, she left and John walked to the table, glancing at the mirror as he did so. Wilbur couldn’t tell if he was looking at his own reflection or looking at someone he knew was on the other side, but either way it didn't matter. Wilbur was extremely anxious for this conversation, yet eager for it at the same time. John heavily sat down in the chair across from Wilbur. 

“Ok, let’s start from the beginning, what is the last thing you remember before going through the portal the first time.” 

“I remember.. The excitement. We were all so excited, this was going to be our first look into the space between dimensions. Who knew what we were going to find? We were theorizing that the Black and White could completely change everything we know. I… I remember promising you that I would come back to you.” John looked away at that. Wilbur reached across the table and placed his hand on top of the one John had resting on the table. John looked down at the hands for a moment before sliding his hand out from under Wilbur’s. Wilbur’s heart broke a bit in that moment. 

“Anything else?” John prompted and Wilbur sighed and sat back in his chair. 

“Not really. I went into the portal, I saw Wiggly, felt him force his way into my mind, and then just bits and pieces. But then something changed and I was free of him. I… I’m back. I’ve finally made it home, finally made it back to you.” Wilbur smiled at John, who was slowly nodding, his eyes flicked up to Wilbur for a moment before he glanced down at his own hand, his left hand to be exact. 

“Ok. This is going to sound like a weird question, but I do need you to answer it, its to try to figure out how big the holes in your memories are. How long ago did you go into the portal for the first time?”

“I don’t know. Based on the way things have changed I assume that it’s been at least a year, maybe two. ” John’s head turned quickly and stared at Wilbur incredulously. Wilbur was shocked at such a reaction. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Wilbur..” John began hesitantly. “It’s been thirteen years.” 

Wilbur felt like the ground fell out from underneath him. That couldn’t be true, it can’t have been thirteen years. But John has never lied to him before, so….

“Thirteen years? But I…” Wilbur could feel his breathing pick up, becoming erratic. The room was spinning and he felt like nothing was keeping him grounded on earth. John was up and out of his chair in an instant, kneeling on the ground in front of him. He reached his hand out and gently but firmly grabbed one of Wilbur’s wrists and brought it to his chest. John placed Wilburs hand over his heart, palm down, and then placed his own hand on top, making sure Wilbur kept his hand there.

“Wilbur, I need you to focus on me, ok? Just listen to my voice. I need you to match your breathing to mine. In.” John took a deep breath and Wilbur tried hard to copy him, but was struggling. “And out.” John breathed out slowly, but Wilbur breathed out all at once, but John still praised him. “You’re doing great Wilbur, we’re going to do it again, here we go. In.” John breathed in slowly and Wilbur did the same. “And out.” John breathed out slowly once more and Wilbur copied, managing to keep in pace with John. “Very good. Just a few more times.” John led him through the breathing exercise a few more times until Wilbur’s breathing was calmer. “You alright?”

“Yeah, thanks.” Wilbur truly meant it. “How did you know how to do that?” Wilbur’s hand was still being pressed against John’s chest, but he wasn’t going to pull away first. 

“I have a… there is someone I’m around a lot who can get overwhelmed, so I learned how to help her center herself.” John had a fond smile on his face as he spoke about this mystery person. He seemed to realize that he was still on the floor in front of Wilbur and stood up quickly, taking his hand off of Wilburs. John walked over to the door and stood next to it with a hand on the handle.

“I’m sure you’re tired, and this is a lot to take in. We can talk more tomorrow. Erik will show you to a room where you can sleep and take a shower if you want.” He turned the handle and opened the door but Wilbur called out to him.

“Wait! John why are you being so distant? I understand that it’s been a long time but….. but you don’t even seem happy to see me.” Wilbur couldn’t hold back the hurt in his voice. He just wanted to hold his fiance, was that really too much to ask for? John’s shoulders slumped and he closed the door, before turning back to face Wilbur.

“Wilbur, I… things have changed. While you were gone, I met someone. And he and I got married.” Wilbur’s mind refused to register what John was saying. 

“That’s not funny John.” Wilbur quickly stood up from his chair. He was convinced that this had to be some cruel joke that John was playing on him for some reason. John is the love of his life, he can’t be married to someone else.

“It’s not a joke Wilbur. I’m not going to apologize for loving him, but I am sorry about this whole situation and that you got hurt.” Wilbur felt his heart shatter in his chest, he thought back to when John came in, and how he looked at the mirror for a long moment, and suddenly it clicked in his mind.

“Is he watching right now?” He took several steps towards John. There was a hint of anger in his voice, and he saw John’s hand flinch towards his holstered gun. 

“Someone needed to keep a record of what was being said and he volunteered.” John’s voice held no hint of what he was feeling. He presented his statement as fact, nothing more, nothing less. 

Wilbur moved back over to the chair he had been sitting in before and dropped into the seat. He placed his elbows on the table and buried his head in his hands. He felt tears begin to slide down his face, he heard John shuffle around for a moment before the door opened and he stepped out. 

Wilbur wasn’t sure how much longer he was in that room before Erik came. He once again followed the younger man down some hallways. At one point when they were walking Wilbur looked down the hall and saw John and another man, presumably his husband talking. He saw the other man lean forward and kiss John. Wilbur looked away quickly and sped up his pace, inadvertently making Erik speed up as well. 

The moment the door was closed on the room he was given he laid down on the bed, burying his face into the pillow and tried desperately not to cry. Wilbur began to wonder if it would have been better if he never came out of the black in white. 

* * *

Wilbur wished he could say he slept well, but of course, that would be too much to ask for. He tossed and turned all night, maybe getting a grand total of forty-five minutes of sleep during the night. He rolled over to look at the clock on the nightstand. The bright red numbers read 3:30 am. He sighed and sat up, deciding that he might as well get up now. He walked into the small attached bathroom, shedding his clothes and stepping into the shower after turning the temperature all the way up. The hot water was almost too hot for him to bear, but he found a strange comfort in it. The heat reminded him that he was alive, for better or for worse. 

“Wiiillllbur.” An all too familiar called out and Wilbur froze. 

It couldn’t be. 

_ He  _ was defeated,  _ he  _ was still in the Black and White. Wilbur is supposed to be free of  _ him _ ! Wilbur was hyperventilating, and he squeezed his eyes shut. The voice called out again, and Wilbur quickly stepped out of the shower, wrapping a towel around his waist as he looked around the bathroom and bedroom frantically.

He found nothing, and bit back a small whimper. He focused on slowing his breathing down, thinking back to how John helped him with it yesterday. The thought of the other man sent a pang through his heart, but he pushed it to the side, not able to focus on that right now. He managed to calm himself down and glanced back over at the clock. It now reads 4:09 am. Wilbur looked and his pile of clothes on the floor, and debated putting them back on. He decided against it and looked in the top drawer of the small dresser sitting in the corner of the room. Inside he found several sets of the usual PEIP fatigues, black pants, and either a black or white t-shirt. He settled on the white shirt and pulled it on. He slipped the pants on and exited the room, forgoing shoes at the moment. 

He wandered the halls aimlessly for a while before finally stumbling across the gym. He stood at the door for a moment before going in. Working out in the gym always used to help him work off any excess energy. The gym was empty, except for one girl who was off in the far corner and going to town on the punching bag. She didn’t turn to acknowledge him but sighed and dropped her fists. 

“I’m fine dad, just go away.”

Wilbur looked around the room to see if she could possibly be talking to someone else, but saw no one.

“I think you might have me confused with someone else.” Wilbur offers jokingly and the younger girl turned around quickly, looking slightly startled. When she turned he was able to get a better look at her. She looked young, very young. Wilbur was almost certain the PEIP didn’t recruit agents that young. Her facial features went from shock to a mix of confusion and frustration.

“Hey I know you. Weren’t you that creepy delivery guy? The one who dropped off the Wiggly dolls? How the fuck did you get in here?” Wilbur’s eyebrows furled, he would swear that he had never seen this girl before in his life. However he knows that she’s probably right. 

“Maybe? If it was me I’m sorry for whatever I said or did. It wasn’t actually me.” The young girl raised an eyebrow when he said that, and Wilbur shrugged. “It’s a long story, what are you doing up so early?” Lex shrugged and looked closely at Wilbur.

“You wanna spar? You look like you’d give more of a fight than the punching bag.” Lex offered, trying to throw a joke in as a slight apology for being suspicious of him. Wilbur mentally debated the pros and cons in his mind about sparing with a teenager, before agreeing. 

“Alright, but fair warning I haven’t sparred with anyone in years. So go easy on me.” The young girl laughed and walked to the sparring mat. 

They sparred for about an hour, the younger girl giving him a run for his money, although Wilbur wasn’t sure if that was because of her high skill level or because he was out of practice. The girl seemed to be in a bit of a better mood than she was when Wilbur entered the gym. They would have probably kept going but they heard the door open. John and the man he saw him with the day before walked in and Wilbur clenched his jaw, looking at the wall to the left of their heads.

“Morning dad!” She happily called out, walking over to John and giving him a hug. 

“Dad?” Wilbur asked. This was his daughter? Just how much had John moved on in the past thirteen years?

“Wilbur, this is my oldest daughter, Lex. Lex this is Wilbur he’s… an old friend.” Wilbur forced a smile on his face. The other man who had entered the room with John walked towards Wilbur and stuck his hand out for a handshake. 

“I don’t think John’s planning on introducing us anytime soon, so I guess it falls to me. I’m Xander, John’s husband.” Wilbur took a closer look at the other man as he spoke. 

He could definitely see what John saw in him. Xander was extremely handsome and his voice sounded pleasant and soothing. He had beautiful brown eyes that Wilbur felt that he could get lost in if he looked at them for too long, and his smile was kind and inviting, it made Wilbur forget about problems for a split second. 

Wilbur realized that he might have been staring at Xander for perhaps a little longer than was socially acceptable. He quickly shook the other man's hand, noting that his hands were soft. 

“Pleasure to meet you.” He felt himself genuinely smile as he speaks. Xander looked at him for another moment before turning to Lex.

“Come on Lex, let’s go get breakfast started.” He walked across the room as he spoke, throwing an arm over Lex’s shoulder and leading her to the door. Lex turned over her shoulder and waved at Wilbur. 

“Thanks for the spar Wilbur, I won’t hold back next time!” And she and Xander disappeared out the door, the soft sound of them bickering about waffles vs pancakes was able to be heard for a few moments. Wilbur looks over to John, who has a fond smile on his face, and stares at him for a moment, remembering when that smile used to be directed at him. When John turns to look at him he quickly looks off to the side, pretending to not have been staring at him. 

“They seem nice.” Wilbur says, picking at one of his fingernails as he spoke. He heard John chuckle a little.

“They’re amazing. They’re my whole world, I’m not sure what I would do if something happened to them.” John was quiet for a moment before speaking again. Where his voice was fond at first, it now had an authoritative, commanding officer voice. “But enough about them. I’m here to talk about you, answer any questions you have, and figure out where you want to go from here. Sound good?”

Wilbur nodded and walked over to a water fountain that’s in the corner of the room. He took a long drink, using the time to gather his thoughts. As he was thinking he could hear that same voice from earlier calling out to him again. 

“Go back to sleeeeeep Wilbur, you’ll be much happier.” 

Wilbur's head jerks up suddenly and looks around frantically. 

“Wilbur, are you ok?” He could hear concern lacing John’s voice and it pulled Wilbur’s attention over to him, the voice fading away as he made eye contact with John. 

“I uh… yeah. I’m fine. But I do have a question, and I’m hoping that you’ll be able to answer it.” Wilbur rubbed his forehead with one hand. “I was wondering if you could tell me what I did during the thirteen years I can’t remember.” 

John was silent for a long time, so long that Wilbur was almost convinced that John might not have heard him. Just as he was about to repeat his request, John spoke quietly.

“Are you sure you want to know?” That did nothing to calm Wilburs nerves, but he nodded anyway. “I can’t tell you exactly, but I can give you the general overview.” 

John tells Wilbur as kindly as he can about everything that happened. He tells him about the way Wilbur was raving when he came out of the portal. Tells him about how he helped Wiggly plan to take over the world. Tells him about how he almost killed the President. Tells him about how he almost got John killed. 

Wilbur dug his fingers nails into his palms as John spoke, and by the time he was done Wilbur’s palms had blood dripping off of them. John noticed and gently pulled Wilbur’s hands towards him. He looked at the self-inflicted wounds and sighed softly. 

“I’ll be right back.” He said and walked across the room to grab a small first aid kit, and when he came back over he led Wilbur to the bench on the wall. John sat him down and kneeled in front of him for the second time in the past twenty-four hours. He opened the kit a pulled out a single packaged antiseptic wipe, tearing the package open. John started cleaning off the cuts, and Wilbur let out a hiss and jerked his hands back at the sharp sting that it caused. John mumbled out an apology.

When the cuts were clean John discarded the towelette to the side and pulled out the bandages and began wrapping his hands. Wilbur’s eyes wouldn’t leave John’s face no matter how hard he tried to force them to look somewhere else, anywhere else. Seeing John so concentrated on helping someone else reminds Wilbur exactly why he fell in love with John. 

Sure, John was handsome, that was undeniable. But it was his heart that sent Wilbur falling head over heels for the other man. His kindness, his compassion, his need to help others whenever possible. And John sitting here helping him like this pulled up all those emotions he’s desperately trying to squash down.

“Thank you.” Wilbur whispered as John finished up, not trusting his voice enough to dare speak louder than that. John looked up at him and smiled, the two of them locked eyes for a long moment. 

Wilbur felt something pass between them, and he swallowed heavily, his eyes subconsciously flicking down to John’s lips. John broke the moment first, he collected the little scraps of paper from the floor, slipping them into his pocket to throw away later. He stood up and returned the first aid kit to its spot on the fall wall. John had his back to Wilbur as he spoke.

“I want you to know that I am still here for you Wilbur, even if it’s not in the same way as before.” 

“Thank you John, that truly means a lot to me.” Wilbur swallowed heavily. John turned to look at him and jerked his head once towards the hallway. 

“Walk with me.” The two men walked down the hall, John with his hands clasped loosely behind his back, while Wilbur’s hands were fiddling with the front of his shirt. “I wanted to ask where you want to go from here. Whether you wanted to stay at PEIP or if you wanted to find something outside of… this.” Wilbur hadn’t thought about it yet, but he knew what he wanted to do immediately. “You don’t have to make this choice right n-”

“I want to stay with PEIP.” Wilbur interrupted John. He couldn’t even picture himself anywhere but at PEIP. He could never leave PEIP. He could never leave John. Even if John didn’t want him anymore, he would still be here. Wilbur had made that mistake once before, and he swore never to do it again.

“Are you sure?” John sounded like he already knew the answer, but was giving him a chance to back out.

“Definitely.” Wilbur's voice sounded more confident than it had since he came back from the Black and White. Wilbur looked at John in the corner of his eye, he could see the almost smug smile on his face. He knew that John knew that he was going to stay, but that he neededWilbur to say it.

“Ok. In that case, you will have to retake the PEIP entrance tests. I’ll help you prepare and you can take it in a week.” 

“Well that doesn't sound so bad.” Wilbur knew that he could handle that, but he felt like there was something else John hadn't told him.

“There’s one more thing.” Damn it, Wilbur hated that he was right, nothing could ever be that simple could it? “When you pass, because we both know you will, they want you to go back to the rank of Private”

“What? John, you can’t be serious!” Wilbur’s voice was raised and it drew the attention of a younger agent who was walking the other way. Wilbur ducked his head slightly, embarrassed by his outburst.

“Don’t worry, I’m fighting them tooth and nail on it. You shouldn’t be punished for what Wiggly did to you. It could have happened to anyone.” John touched Wilbur’s arm briefly, offering a small moment of comfort before folding his hands behind his back once again. Wilbur bit back a smile, he was honestly more than a little shocked that John was willing to stand up for him.

“We’ll start training tomorrow, bright and early. Meet me in the gym at 0500 hours, if a seventeen-year-old was able to beat you, we might have more work to do than I was expecting.” John’s voice was definitely teasing, but Wilbur knew that he was right. 

“I really can’t thank you enough John. You don’t have to help me like you are, especially after all I’ve done. I don’t understand how you can forgive me-” 

“Alright Wilbur, I’m gonna say this once and only once, so listen close.” John was making full use of his General voice, and it caused Wilbur to stand up straighter. “You. Are. Not. To. Blame. Nothing that happened was your fault. You don’t need to ask for anyone's forgiveness, and anyone who tells you differently is wrong. Understood?” 

“Yes Sir.” Wilbur had to fight the urge to salute. He could see a smile dancing in John’s eyes, even as his face remained serious. 

“God, that sounds weird coming from you.” 

“Well you better get used to it,  _ General _ .” Wilbur was teasing him now, privately celebrating when John's serious demeanor broke and he laughed, a smile splitting his face. 

“I think we can just stick to John.” The two of them came to a stop outside of a door at the end of the hall. “This is my office. If you need anything then please do not hesitate to come find me, I’ll be here for most of the day today. If not, then I will see you bright and early tomorrow. Enjoy the rest of the day.” John opened the door and stepped inside, throwing a wave over his shoulder as he did. Wilbur waved back and turned to go back down the hallway they had just come from, a smile still on his face. 

“Wiiiiillbur.” He turned to face the other hallway, which is the way the voice sounded like it was coming from. He knew that was the way to the portal room. He took a step in that direction before stopping himself. He turned back in the original direction he was facing and walked so fast he was almost running. 

Wiggly was never going to leave him alone, was he? 

* * *

The next few days went by in a blur. He was training with John every day, the older man pushing him to his limits and then a little beyond. He saw Lex around the base several times while he was wandering around (staying firmly away from the portal room, despite the voice beckoning him there) and even got to meet her little sister and John’s youngest daughter, Hannah. 

The most surprising was Xander.

Wilbur would have thought that the other man would have been avoiding him, but it actually seemed like he was actively searching him out. The more time he spent with Xander the more in awe of him Wilbur became. Not only was Xander handsome, but he was also intelligent, extremely intelligent. He was also kind, compassionate, and his smile lit up a room. Wilbur was sure that if their situations were swapped, he wouldn’t be as nice to Xander as he was being to him. 

The night before his last training with John, Wilbur had a startling realization. His feelings for John were most certainly still there, but he was also slowly starting to fall for Xander.

Fuck.

That was the only thought that was swirling in his mind during his last training session with John. They were sparring and Wilbur was losing, and badly. He could tell that John knew that he was distracted, and Wilbur could see him get more and more frustrated. After Wilbur was knocked on his ass for the fifth time in the last half hour John seemed to be at his wit’s end. 

“What is wrong with you today? You just seem like you don’t care. Do you even want to do this anymore? They’re not going to go easy on you tomorrow Wilbur! They will be looking for any excuse to fail you, and at this rate you’ll be done in five minutes.” John was clearly trying not to yell, and Wilbur could feel anger bubbling up in him.

"I know! I know, John. I’m sorry. I am trying.” Wilbur forced himself up from the ground, shaking with anger and trying to hide it.

“No you’re not. I have seen you when you’re trying and this is not it.” John took a step towards Wilbur, closing the distance between them. “ I have put my ass on the line, I have fought harder than anyone else for you. But maybe they’re right Wilbur, maybe you aren’t capable of being part of PEIP again.” The anger was clear in John’s voice as he spoke and all that served to do was fan the flames of Wilbur’s own anger. 

All the while he had Wiggly whispering in the back of his head. “You’re not good enough. You’ve never been enough. Not for PEIP, and certainly not for John. But you were good enough for me. Let me back in Wilbur.” 

Wilbur couldn’t take it. His eyes flashed with something dangerous, and he lunged forward tackling John to the ground. He pulled his fists back and started punching John in the face. 

Repeatedly. 

John tried to shove him off, but Wilbur was running high on adrenaline and would not be moved. John managed to get a knee in between them and jammed it into Wilbur’s kidney. He grunted and John was able to throw him off, scrambling to his feet and placing himself between Wilbur and the door.

Wilbur stood up slower and he took a step towards the other man. John instinctively pulled his gun out and leveled it at Wilbur. The dangerous element, whatever it was, drained out of Wilbur. Replacing it was a combination of fear, hurt, and sadness.

“John I..” His eyes flicked down to John’s now split lip. “You’re bleeding.” John lowered his gun and raised one of his hands to his lip. He winced and pulled his hand away, looking down at the smear of blood on it. “ Here let me-” Wilbur began to move towards the First Aid kit from its place on the wall. 

“No.” John interrupted him, wiping the blood off his hand and onto his pants. “Don’t worry about it.” John turned to leave, getting over to the door before Wilbur was able to speak up again. 

“John I’m sorry.” His voice cracked as he spoke, the pain and fear clear in his voice. John turned back to him, his face carefully arranged in a blank expression, and that sacred Wilbur. He had never seen John look like that before.

“It’s my fault. I intentionally pushed your buttons to try to kick you into gear, and I pushed too hard. Take some time, cool off. I’ll see you later.” John exited the gym, the door shutting firmly behind him.

Wilbur stared at the door for a few seconds before he let out a strangled scream. He moved over to the punching bag and began furiously hitting it, arms flailing wildly as he did. He let out another cry and fell to his knees. Hot, angry tears flowed down his face as he took deep ragged breaths. 

He heard the door open a footsteps coming towards him. It was probably John, coming to tell him that he decided Wilbur shouldn’t be part of PEIP anymore. Wilbur doesn't know what he would do if he couldn’t be at PEIP. The person stood in front of him for a moment before kneeling down in front of him. A hand comes to settle on Wilburs arm and he looks up.

It’s not John looking back at him as he suspected it would be, but Xander, whose eyes were filled with concern.

“Wilbur, are you alright?” He spoke softly, worry shining brightly in his eyes. Wilbur shook his head and went to turn away from the other man, but Xander lightly reached up to gide his face back to face him. He used his thumb to gently wipe away the tears that were still running down Wilbur’s face. “What happened?”

“John and I had a fight. He said something that made me angry and I lashed out at him.” Wilbur leaned into Xander’s hand without even noticing it and Xander kept rubbing his thumb softly up and down. 

“Look at how much they trust you Wilbur. You could do anything right now, and Xander wouldn’t be able to stop you.” Wiggly was back and whispering in his head causing Xander to immediately tense up.

“Wilbur?” His eyes snapped open, and his heart started pounding as he realized exactly how close he was to Xander. His eyes flickered down to the other man's lips for a fraction of a second before forcing his eyes back up to Xander’s. 

Wiggly was right. He could do anything in this moment and Xander would do nothing to stop him. Wilbur knew exactly what he wanted to do. 

He surged forward and captured Xander’s lips with his own, throwing all caution to the wind. Xander tensed up and he began to think that maybe this wasn’t the best idea. Wilbur was just about to pull back and beg Xander to forgive him when the other man melted into the kiss. He felt a hand wrap around his back and he was just about to deepen the kiss when he heard a gasp come from the far end of the room. 

The two men broke apart and looked over to the door. There stood Lex, eyes wide and welling up with tears. She began to back out of the room when Xander quickly stood up and took a step towards her. 

“Wait, Lex it’s -” The young girl turned and ran out of the room. “Lex!” He chased her into the hallway, Wilbur scrambling to his feet and following closely behind. He nearly slammed into the other man when he came to a sudden stop. Xander looked from left to right, looking down the hall both ways, not seeing the young girl down either way.

“Shit.” He said rubbing a hand against his forehead. Wilbur reached out hesitantly, his hand hovering over Xander’s shoulder for a moment before he pulled it back, not wanting to force contact on the other man at the moment. 

“You go find Lex,” Wilbur spoke up, voice trembling slightly due to all the adrenaline running through his veins, both from the kiss and the panic from Lex seeing them. “and I’ll go talk to John, explain what happened.” Xander’s head whipped over to him, face twisted in confusion.

“Wilbur no I should-”

“I should go tell him. It was my fault, Xander. Let him get his anger out on me first. Besides, I’m sure you’ll be able to calm Lex down much better than I could. She seemed really upset and that’s not fair to her.” Xander looked like he wanted to argue, but ended up giving into Wilburs plan. He turned and began to walk down the left path leading from the gym. 

“Xander,” Wilbur called out causing the other man to pause and turn to look back at him. “I’m sorry.”

Xander gave him a small sad smile at that. 

“Me too.” With that he turned and quickly moved down the hall. Wilbur watched him for a moment before turning the other way and quickly making his way towards John’s office. 

He came to a stop outside the closed door, taking a deep breath to steady his nerves before raising his fist to knock on the door. He heard some shuffling and the door opened slowly. When John saw Wilbur his eyes narrowed slightly, he opened the door the rest of the way and gestured for Wilbur to come in. 

He took a step into the room and saw Lex sitting on the small couch in the corner of the room, face red and eyes puffy. The poor girl had obviously been crying and Wilbur felt awful knowing that it was his fault. He heard the door close firmly and he turned to look back at John, who was leaning against the wall next to it.

“We were just talking about you Wilbur. Lex came to me very upset and I was trying to figure out what happened but all I could get out of her is that it was something that had to do with you. Care to explain?” 

Wilbur opened his mouth to speak, but he saw Lex in the corner of his eye and couldn't. Wilbur had a strong feeling that John was going to be angry at him and Lex didn’t deserve to see that. He turned to the young lady 

“Lex, Xander’s looking for you. He’s really worried about you.” Lex looked from Wilbur to John, who nodded at her. She hesitantly stood up and walked towards the door, stopping at John who kissed the top of her head and gave her a quick hug before she left the office. Once the door was closed again John walked around to his desk and sat in his chair.

“Now, tell me what's going on Wilbur.” The tone in John’s voice left no room for argument. Wilbur’s mouth felt suddenly dry and his throat felt tight. He cleared his throat and took a seat in one of the chairs across the desk from John.

“There’s no easy way to say this so I’m just going to come out with it. I… I kinda kissed Xander” John was quiet for a long moment, his silence was loud it was almost deafening.

“I’m… I’m sorry. I must have misheard you. It almost sounded like you just said that you kissed my husband.” 

“John I’m sor-” He was silenced by John holding up a hand.

“I just have one question and you better answer me honestly.” Wilbur nodded his head several times.

“Anything.”

“Did he kiss you back?” Wilbur was hesitant to answer that particular question.

“John that’s…. that’s something you should talk to Xander about-”

“And I will, but I’m asking you.”

Wilbur fell silent, not wanting to lie to John, but he knew that the truth in this situation might only make it worse.

“John it was my fault.” Was what he elected to go with. That seemed to answer John’s question however as he just nodded once at that answer. 

“You are dismissed, I will see you tomorrow morning for your exam.” John looked away from him and busied himself with some paperwork that was on his desk. 

“John I-” 

"I said dismissed!” John raised his voice slightly and Wilbur stood up quickly, quickly going to the door and stepping into the hallway without looking behind him. The sound of the door closing sounding like a gunshot and caused his ears to ring. 

“You just mess evewything up Wilbur, maybe it would be kinder for them if you came back to me.” Wiggly mockingly called to him, voicing Wilbur’s own insecurities. It was the first time since he was freed from the creature's control that he thought he might be right.

* * *

Wilbur had a restless night the evening before his exam. Between the mix of anxiety from the possibility that he might have broken up John’s happy marriage and the nerves that are natural when you have a big test looming in front of him left him with maybe an hour of sleep that night. 

Half an hour before the exam was set to begin he was pacing back and forth in front of the gym. Wilbur was desperately trying to shove his thoughts of John and Xander to the side so he could focus on this. 

“Wilbur!” John’s voice called out and Wilbur spotted him standing off to the side down the hall. He gestured for Wilbur to join him so he quickly moved over to him. John grabbed his arm and led him around the corner.

“I need to talk to you about yesterday.” He leaned in to whisper as they walked and Wilbur felt his heart clench. 

“I know I fucked up, and I am so, so sorry. I don’t know what came over me, but I promise it will never, never happen again. I-” Wilburs slightly panicked ramblings were cut off by John leaning in and kissing him on the cheek. 

Wilbur felt like his brain crashed. He was frozen in place as he tried to process what had just happened. He slowly raised his hand to touch the place John had just kissed. Said man was just standing there, looking at him with a self-satisfied smile on his face. 

“As I was saying, Xander and I had a very long, difficult conversation last night. We did some research and came to a decision. Xander and I would like to date you.” Wilbur’s brain took a moment to catch up to what John was saying. 

“Wait really?” Was the only response that he could come up with. 

“Look, Wilbur. Do you still love me?” 

“Of course I do.” Wilbur didn’t even have to think about his answer.

“And what about Xander? Do you think you could love him?” 

“Yeah, easily.” John reaches up and cups Wilburs face with both of his hands. 

“Then yes, really. We can talk about this more later, all three of us. But I know you, and I know that you would still be worrying over this.” 

“He’ssss lying to you Wilbur.” Wiggly sounded like he was right behind him. Wilbur jerked his head to the side looking over his shoulder, causing John's hands to fall from his face. Wilbur half expecting to see the Edrich monster standing right behind him. 

"Wilbur? Is everything ok?” John sounded concerned and Wilbur turned back to him, a fake smile plastered on his face. He couldn’t let John know about him hearing Wiggly. He didn’t want to worry the other man. 

“Sorry, I just... thought I heard someone.” He forced his voice to come across as carefree in a desperate attempt to not worry John. It seemed to work because John gave him a soft smile, reaching up to brush some of Wilbur’s hair out of his face. 

“Now go in there and kick some ass. I’m one of your judges so I’ll be right there if you need reassurance. You, Xander, and I will talk after this.” With one final smile and a wink John walked past Wilbur and entered the gym. 

Wilbur watched John as he went, a lovestruck smile across his face. He took a moment to calm his racing heart down and clear his mind once again. He glanced at his watch and noticed that it was almost time for his PEIP entrance exam. He took one more deep breath before striding down the hall and entering the gym. 

The beginning of the exam was the head of PEIP asking him several questions, name, age, etc. At one point he tried to ask questions about Wiggly and if Wilbur could ‘shed any light on the incident that happened thirteen years ago?’. Wilbur shifted his weight nervously and opened his mouth to speak. Before he could say anything John cleared his throat. 

“Excuse me sir, but that’s not why we are here today. We are here to observe Mr.Cross’s skills and determine whether or not he is able to reach PEIP’s standards. He has already explained what happened and has been cleared of all blame for that incident and all incidents involving the entity known as Wiggly that followed.” 

Time seemed to freeze as John spoke, and when he was done the room was so silent that Wilbur was certain he would be able to hear a pin drop in the hallway outside. The other three board members looked around, seeming as uncomfortable as Wilbur himself felt. The head and John had a staring contest for a moment before he turned back to Wilbur. 

“Of course. I apologize Mr. Cross, let’s begin the exam.” Wilbur shot John a thankful look before returning his attention to the gentleman running his exam. It continued on as normal, they tested many things, reaction time, hand to hand combat ability, and more. 

The final test is marksmanship, and Wilbur had no worries about this. He was always the best shot in PEIP, better than even John, even if the other man would never admit it. He was handed a gun and ammo and he quickly loaded it. He turned to the practice dummies and raised the gun to aim it, right before he was able to pull the trigger everything went dark, almost as if the lights had been turned off. 

“Uncle Wiiiiilllley.” Wiggly called out in a sing-song voice. “You didn’t really think that I’d let you leeaave, did you? You’re much too important for that.” 

“No. No!” Wilbur didn’t believe it, he couldn't. “I’m free of you. I’m not your puppet anymore.” He screamed into the open air.

“No Wiley, you were just dreaming. But now it’s time to get back to work. We have a lot to do.” Wiggly’s voice was echoing from all around him. Wilbur shook his head and tightened his grip on his gun. The cool metal of the pistol was the only thing keeping him grounded. 

“You’re lying. I made it home and you’re nothing more than a bad memory at this point.” Wilbur was trying to sound convince himself of the fact, and Wiggly could tell. The would-be God let out a chilling laugh. 

“Are you so sure about that?” Wiggly’s voice seemed to spin around Wilbur, who tried to turn his head to follow the voice. “Then prove it.” The voice was directly behind him. Reacting purely on instinct he quickly whipped around and pulled the trigger. 

The second the shot rang out the suffocating darkness faded away and the PEIP gym came back into view, but Wilbur almost wished that it hadn't. He could see his arm extended in front of him, gun raised. Looking out further he could see the three members of the board huddled around the PEIP head behind the table. Standing on the other side of the table directly in front of them was John. 

John has his hands raised placatingly in front of him and a calm look on his face. He was saying something but Wilbur couldn’t hear whatever it was. Wilburs eyes frantically darted around the room, before landing on the bullet hole in the wall over John’s shoulder. 

His attention was brought back to John when he felt a soft touch on his hand. He looked down and saw John gently trying to take the gun out of his grip. Wilbur dropped the gun like it had burned him. John quickly removes the ammo from it and set it on the table behind him, his gaze staying on Wilbur. 

“Are you back with us?” John’s voice was soft and comforting. Wilbur took a shaky breath and nodded slightly. 

“I’m sorry I-” Wilbur’s hands were shaking and he could feel himself spiraling.

“Hey, just take some deep breaths. You remember how I showed you a few days ago?” John forced Wilbur to focus on him. Wilbur nodded at his question. “Good, just focus on doing that.” Wilbur does so and could feel his heart slow and his breathing even out. 

“I think we’ve seen enough.” The head of PEIP spoke as he brushed imaginary dust off of himself. “We can all agree that there is no place in PEIP for Cross.” Wilbur wanted to argue with him, but he couldn't. Wilbur knew that he was right. John, however, wasn’t ready to give up. 

“Perhaps not out in the field, but we can not just kick him out. We sent him into the Black and White, so what happened to him in there is our fault, and therefore Wilbur is our responsibility. Place him in intelligence, he knows more about Wiggly and the Black and White than anyone else here. I would also suggest that Wilbur be ordered to attend a session with the on-sight psychologist at least once a week for the next year. After that year is up, if the psychologist agrees that he’s ready, he should be allowed to retake this test.” 

Wilbur can’t believe how far John was willing to go for him. Wilbur has unknowingly hurt John time and time again for the past thirteen years, and yet here John is standing up to the head of PEIP for him. Quite frankly, it blows Wilbur’s mind. 

“You are not in charge here general.” The man glared at John as he spoke. “I am, and you would do well to remember that.” John kept his face neutral as he faced him. 

“I understand that you are in charge, I was merely making a suggestion and reminding you of our moral obligation to Wilbur. I do believe that my plan is the best course of action. If you disagree I would be happy to hear your plan.” He maintained an even tone as he spoke, even so, Wilbur could feel the tension growing between the two men, and he had a feeling that the other people in the room could feel it as well. 

The other judges looked at each other and nervously shifted around. John and the head of PEIP were staring at each other, John with that neutral expression on his face and the head trying, and failing, to keep the anger from showing across his face. 

“I think that the General’s plan is a good one.” A woman who was on the judge’s panel spoke up and the tension seemed to break. The head turned and looked at her for a moment before nodding his head.

“You’re right. We will go forward with General McNamara’s plan. Tomorrow at 0800 Wilbur Cross will report to intelligence We will set up the weekly sessions with the psychologist and if he misses even one he will be removed from PEIP. As for the question of his rank we will not be reinstating him to the rank of Colonel at this time.” 

Wilbur sighed but nodded his head. He could accept that even if it hurts. John seemed to be somewhat pleased with this, at the very least he didn’t argue. 

“Is there anything else you need sir?”

"... No General, you are dismissed.” John quickly saluted the head before turning back to Wilbur, his face softening slightly.

“Come one Wilbur.” John walked out of the room without another glance at the board. Wilbur hesitated for a moment before following. He was led to John’s office and was ushered in before John closed the door firmly behind them. Gentle hands led him to the couch in the room and was softly coerced into sitting down and he felt the weight of John sitting down next to him. 

“Wilbur what’s going on? What happened in there?” John’s voice was soft and he sounded genuinely confused and concerned. Wilbur bit his lip nervously and looked up at John. 

“I… I’ve been hearing Wiggly whispering to me, and today it felt like I was back there, almost as if I had never left. I couldn’t… I didn’t…” Wilbur was having a hard time putting into words what he was feeling, but thankfully John seemed to understand. He squeezed Wilbur’s hand comfortingly.

“Wilbur, when did you start hearing Wiggly?

“The morning after I got back.” Wilbur admitted, feeling an overwhelming sense of shame coursing through his veins. 

“Why didn’t you say anything? We could have helped you.” John didn’t sound angry like Wilbur would have thought. Quite the opposite in fact. He seemed slightly sad and confused.

“I didn’t want you to think I was crazy. I had just gotten my life back and I didn’t want it to be taken away again by being locked away.” Wilbur could feel tears building up in his eyes and he looked away, slightly ashamed. John was having none of that and gently led Wilbur’s face to look back at him. 

“Wilbur I promise you that I’m never going to let that happen, okay?” John looked and sounded entirely confident and it calmed Wilbur down slightly. 

Someone knocked on the door and John squeezed Wilbur’s hand once again before he got up to open the door. Xander was standing on the other side of the door and John gestured for him to come in. 

“I heard that the test is over, how did it go?” Xander sounded cheerful as he looked over at Wilbur. Xander’s smile fades slightly when he sees the upset look on Wilbur’s face.

“It didn’t go so well. They decided not to reinstate Wilbur as a field agent.” John spoke up and Xander looked at him, his smile dropping from his face as he did. 

“Why? What happened?” John looked over to Wilbur, clearly telling him that it’s up to him how much he wanted to share with Xander. He hesitated for a moment, considering telling the other man nothing, but ultimately deciding to open up. If Wilbur wanted any chance of a relationship between the three of them to work he needed to be honest.

“I… Wiggly is still in my head. He can’t control me anymore, I promise! But I sometimes can hear him whispering to me. At the end of the test, during the marksmanship part I heard him again. But somehow he also made me feel like I was in the Black and White again. All I saw was the familiar darkness and I felt the chill that comes with there being no natural light. I lashed out, and in doing so almost shot John and the others.” Wilbur felt Xander’s gaze on him, but he refused to meet it. He didn’t want to see the disgust or fear or anger that he was sure he would see in the other man’s eyes.

He felt the couch shift slightly as someone sat down next to him. Wilbur wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but a pair of arms wrapping around him and pulling him close was certainly not it. 

“We’ll figure this out Wilbur. I promise you’re not alone in this.” Xander spoke softly into Wilbur’s ear, and he let out a breath that he didn’t know he was holding. He relaxed into the hold, a few tears slipping from his eyes. Another hand settled on his shoulder and he turned his head to see John giving him a comforting smile. 

“And…” Wilbur began, his throat suddenly felt dry and his tongue heavy “what about… ya know, us?” He hesitantly asked, regretting the question almost the second it was out of his mouth. 

“We’ll figure that out as we go too. Like I said, you’re not alone. You won’t get rid of us that easily.” Xander said confidently. Wilbur smiled, feeling happier than he had in a long time. 

With John and Xander by his side, Wilbur knew he would be okay. 

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from the song "Just Like It Was Before" from Bandstand. (I thought it was appropriate)
> 
> Come talk to me on Tumblr at:  
> https://ijustwantjohnmcnamaratobehappyok.tumblr.com/


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